Posts tagged people
This Article Pertains to Item 7 the List of Excuses
Silly excuses that remain unchallenged by us “white people”
Further thoughts on Excuses. Some excuses we make are pretty lame really, and just don’t hold up. Are we fibbing to ourselves, or is it just about saving face? Either way, in the long run excuses help no one least of all ourselves and need to be challenged. People will not like this, which can make the challenge of the challenge well - a challenge! :)
We were up at the shop yesterday, and bumped into Amanda. The poor lady was in tears. Who is Amanda? Amanda is a lady that I bump into regularly on my daily walks. She lives alone with her dog Reuben (another miniature schnauzer hence the connection) up near the Coburg Lake. She is a walking train wreck and it really upsets me to see someone suffering like that.
Amanda is in her late fifties. Life has taken its toll on her. She has had a succession of boyfriends who have abandoned her, plus an abusive father. This constant desertion and abuse has undermined her self esteem, so that she lacks confidence. Despite all of this, she is an incredibly likeable person because she is funny, and artistic (she has made some beautiful prints). She was and continues to be very popular with the boys, but now she attracts some rather seedy looking men. I wish they would just go away and leave her alone, but she needs some love. We all need love and you can’t blame her.
Anyway, as I said, she was in tears and really distressed, because she has to look after her mother who is obese and elderly. She was upset because she was let down by her sister regarding this care. Her roof is leaking when we have had just so much tropical rain and she has no money to fix it. She cannot survive on the pension it doesn’t cover her costs. And because she is an emotional wreck, she cannot hold down a basic job. She was up at the shop to spend money she doesn’t have on cigarettes via credit card.
When you try to help her, it doesn’t really seem to do much good. She doesn’t seem to be able to listen, only to talk about all of her problems. And talk and talk.
Really sad when you are a kind person and don’t want to just abandon someone who is in so much distress.
She is one of many women I encounter who are desperately lonely, and have no familial support. Down so low they cannot lift themselves up and out of their morass and if you reach in to help, they pull you down there too when you can’t cope. On top of it they seem to take Alcohol and its effects make them even more depressed.
My friend Suki is Punjabi. He says that in traditional societies, such as that of his ancestors, situations like this do not take place because the family MUST look after one another. When familial disputes arise they are taken to a village elder, who settles them. The elder knows how to do this because the elder is old and wise. Families must help one another and support one another, as that is the rule. Hate your family, or love them, it is not until you reach times of desperation that you understand the value of the support they provide, to protect you from the world. That is why it is really important to keep them together. Suki looks after his incredibly demanding 81 year old mother without ever feeling sorry for himself. And he does this while coping with the high pressure deadlines and demands of his profession working as a software architect/project manager for a major bank. He comes home an cooks for his mother, and helps her into the shower and bathroom. Waiting on her hand and foot. He would never dream of putting her in a home. As a white person, I and most of my friends struggle with this relationship of duty. But Suki is so “within himself”. Meaning that he never feels the need to blame other people for how he is feeling. His love makes him feel secure and connected. Unlike Amanda.
And what does this have to do with the List of Excuses?
Well, I wanted to add a new excuse to the list, which was provided by my sister the other day. This one is “no internet access” You see four weeks ago my niece headed off to Paris for a one year work and learn the language jaunt. I sent her what I believed to be a supportive email before she left. I spoke to her on the phone. Then I put nice message on her FB wall about a week later. Of course she was settling in, I didn’t expect anything much, although a FB thumb’s up would have been polite. Then I posted a list of sites that teach French. Nothing. Ok, I guess if Internet access is scant such is life. Then a few days ago, to my chagrin, I looked on her site, and she had sent many FB messages to her friends but to her aunt? Sweet nada.
My sister was unhappy with the dissatisfaction I expressed. “She has no Internet access was the angry excuse” To me the reality is that her priority is not familial but it should be. I have tried to maintain the family bond, but my family are so frosty, and unsupportive (for people like these the Kit came into existence) that they make it very hard to maintain connection. Suki says, “Why cry over something that was never alive”. But I do cry, because they are family, and we should be connected. I cry because without the connection a vulnerable and sensitive young woman can too easily end up becoming like Amanda who alone and unsupported are wretchedly miserable and unable to help themselves they turn to alcohol. The only people that seem to profit from this in our society for the white and uptight are the counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists.
I think that my expectation of my sister to remind my niece of her duties probably seems unfathomable to both my sister and niece. But then, like me at age 22, they have had little to do with the Amandas of the world.
Article 7 is from the What the Hell Is Your Problem Kit, A Kit for Uptight White People.
You can see the Kit here: http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
read more here
http://veronicagrow.tumblr.com/post/12025183398/did-you-know-from-numerous-migrant
You can Purchase it at Readings, Metropolis, Brunswick St Books, or Brunswick Bound
Be connected strong and happy.. banish the list of excuses in 2012
Well my dear readers, at this time of the year, everyone is busy making lists. Lists of what they did last year, and lists of what they hope for etc etc.
If there is one big thing on my list for 2012 and yours too I hope) It is to banish forever that list of excuses that makes us such anti social beings.
Today I am going to share with you item 7 from my Kit for Uptight White People. Item 7 is “the list of Excuses”. The Kit is my final masters Project in X Disciplinary Design at COFA UNSW, and I devised the concept, wrote, designed and illustrated the book.
The underpinning reasoning behind this kit comes from the anecdotes collected from the many migrants that I know, that all seem to have a recurring theme. This is that us anglos are often perceived as being unfriendly, uptight, and difficult.
Here is the related anecdote:
My Italian friends the Racioppis have the same issues as all of us, yet like most migrant households, they never make excuses. If they are stressed, they come together anyway, which often helps them to relieve their stress. Sometimes, in fact often, they argue and fight, but that clears the air, and avoids the bottling up of harmful stress. Unlike us white people, they don’t hold onto their anger and grudges, all of which are quickly forgiven. They don’t seem to feel uncomfortable with confrontation.
And here is a specially devised experiment to help you develop better more inclusive habits! Why not give it a try?
To those Prone to Listmaking
The pick up the phone experiment.
Think of someone with whom you have not made contact for at least twelve months. No matter what the reason. Maybe you fell out, maybe you have been busy. But overall it was a valuable relationship. Relationships can change over time if they are nurtured properly, So pick up the phone, and say “Hello, it’s me calling, how is life? I am sorry I have been off the radar.” If it helps, give yourself some ice to slide out on, and make an excuse that you have been busy. It takes two to tango, and through becoming the “hero”, you are being a hero. You are helping to create social capital. which makes people feel connected, strong and happy.
If you like this idea, you can see the rest of the kit online at
http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
Or you can purchase it here in Melbourne at Metropolis Books, Brunswick Bound, or Brunswick Street Books.
Or online at Blurb : http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/2597718
Or email me! I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas!!
Some “Norm Screwing” for 2012
The great columnist “Rachel Hills” says this:
“the thing about norm-screwing, I think: it’s supposed to be fun. We analyse and critique because there are things in the world that don’t seem right to us. But when we are rewriting the world, we should write it as one that brings us joy.”
Great words and thinking from the one and only Rachel Hill, actually taken from her views on “Feminist Weddings”, however, I believe appropriate across many a walk of life.
Why is there not more of this “norm screwing” taking place I wonder? Why is it that most of us are just content to accept the institutions that enslave us. Such as corporations, governments, banks, even friendship groups that we belong to just so that we fit in.
I suppose in the way of the corporation, many poor individuals have no choice as they have huge debts in the way of mortgages, and kids to feed. So they cannot screw with that norm. In fact, generally, most of us don’t screw with the norm due to an intense need to fit in and be part of the group. But what if you are a “misfit”? :)
If you pertain to a bit of “norm screwing”, here is the rest of Rachel’s post. Great insightful and thought provoking read! http://rachelhills.tumblr.com/post/12212883877
Here is my little take on “norm screwing”, a Kit for Uptight White People, created as my masters project in X disciplinary design. It “norm screws” many of our cultural assumptions. Check it out!
http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
You can buy it here in melbourne at Metropolis, Brunswick St Books, and Brunswick Bound. or online at Blurb.
KIT FOR UPTIGHT WHITE PEOPLE
ARTIFICAT # 6 - SOCIAL LURBRICANT
Upon coming to Australia in 2000 after attending a few work functions, Slava, a Moldovan friend, was shocked to discover how much alcohol Australians drink in social situations. “I don’t understand why they take wine, beer, and champagne, never with food!” he would say in his wonderful eastern european accent. He was also quick tonote the behavioural change in his workmates after they had taken a few drinks. Normally quiet and shy personalities became oddly friendly, affectionate and talkative. Then on Monday, the usual coldness and unfriendliness would return. This hot and cold behaviour was most unsettling to Slava.
what to do about it?
For those who are Socially Uptight
The Daggy music experiment.
Go to I-tunes, or a music store. Buy some yodelling music. Now, play it as loudly as possible, singing along with great gusto and attempting to dance. (This part is best done in company). Try to do this as badly as you can. How do you feel? After five minutes, you will start to feel every care and worry in the world escape you. With this sense of lightness will come a greater sense of confidence, and perspective. You will find that you care less about social rejection. “It’s obvious that the mirth filled man, the cheerful soul, the childish adult is the one who has least to fear from life.” Tom Hodgkinson The Freedom Manifesto.
This is object number 6 of 9 from the book I wrote called “The What the Hell Is Your Problem?” Kit. A Kit For Uptight White People. The Kit was my final masters project in Cross Disciplinary Design at COFA UNSW.
You can view it here: http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
If you live in Melbourne, it is stocked at Metropolis Books, Brunswick Bound and Brunswick Street Books for $16.
You can also purchase it here on Blurb http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/2597718
or email me.
Why do you think we seem to need alcohol to help us to be more open friendly and inclusive?
COLOURFUL PEOPLE DO HAVE COLOURFUL FRIENDS
Thankyou Amadis my friend for popping by to say Happy Xmas with your mum and dad who are down from the NSW Coast. I have known Amadis since long ago when we met in a choir of one of Amadis’ fellow students studying music composition with her at the Conservatorium of Music. I beat Amadis over the head with a stick until she came to live in Melbourne, where she soon swam and flourished in the arts community. She is flying now, doing all sorts of things with sustainable gardens, music, and placemaking. These are her parents who were amongst the first wave of Europeans to migrate to Australia after WW2 from Hungary. Dad Ziegy, I am sure has gypsy blood, with a passion for the violin. And mother Trixie knows how to live in the tradition of the Eastern Europeans in that beautiful civilized soiree kind of way celebrating the art of good conversation and hospitality. Happy Xmas Amadis and familigia. xxx
Item Number 3. The Mind Your Own Business T Shirt.
Is this you? How many people do you know that might as well be wearing one of these anyway? Indicated just by their effectiveness in keeping you at a distance.
This is Item 3 from the What the Hell is Your Problem Kit a Kit for Uptight White People, a multicultural book which was my masters project in cross disciplinary design at UNSW.
If you are interested in finding out more, have a look at the book I wrote.
http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
Object Number 2. The Strand of Conversation
From the Kit for Uptight White People
The Art of Conversation (read this if you are uptight and white it might help!)
The Inaugural Award for White People Who are Conversational Legends
Yesterday, I and my beloved and beautiful partner Suki (pictured co-incidentally in his conversational T Shirt! - remember all it takes is a Hello, Ciao, Ni Hiao, or Hola), went up to Heidi, which was open for free to the public to commemorate its 30th Birthday.
http://www.heide.com.au Yesterday I the pleasure to meet a person excellent at conversation pictured in the third photo, on the right. Her name is Penelope Bartlau, Artistic Director of Barking Spider Visual Theatre. I suppose her theatric training and skills do help! But Penelope certainly knew how to evoke conversation. How? First of all she made sure that she had something to talk about. In this situation, her and her colleagues were creating a huge mural at the entrance to Heide, to commemorate the 30th Birthday. I liked this idea, because the mural in itself was a conversation about the day, the place and the time. So the Mural gave Penelope something to talk about. So helpful tip number 1 for the art of conversation is that Its always a good idea to have something engaging to talk about!
Penelope introduced the mural, and she was also a good listener, and put people at ease by listening attentively to them, and also by encouraging them to make art on the mural, despite their fears. She made everyone feel safe and comfortable, by paying attention to what they were making and educating them about the beauty of their mark making.
Penelope! I salute you, as you are testimony to the possiblity that White People can enact the conversations necessary to break down our social disconnect. This is because, in my opinion, you enact trust, and empower the other (through honour!). Well done. Maybe I need to start devising a set of pins to award to white people that I know who break the mould. If I do, you will definitely be one of my first recipients! Brava! What should we call these pins? I have been referred to before by my italian friends as an “Australian Sbagliata”. Which means A Mistaken Australian. I think that so many white people forget that it takes an effort to make conversation, and that it comes naturally. So they don’t even try. Italian people I have known think that we are timid. One Italian person I know says that we just stare like gold fish and don’t talk!
Penelope, I look forward to continuing our inspiring and interesting conversation when we meet for a cup of tea on wednesday morning. Thankyou
What do you do that is worth starting a conversation over? Your kids? A cake you made? Your love life. Your plans for the future? Instead of relying on Who Weekly, and your latest shopping purchase, you should be your own story and make something then talk about it for gods sake!
Garden as a conversation
As you know, I really like gardening. Gardening is a great thing to talk about. Why? There is always something new happening. Just look at these images of blooms taken at Heide yesterday. Who could fail to want to talk about them? Look at the gorgeous little signs they have created for the kitchen garden. Who but the most boring blob could fail to want to talk about that beautiful lettering, and the way the A drops down and curls around the other letters so beautifully! And funny things always happen with wildlife in gardens, who could fail to talk about that mad possum I spotted sleeping with its tail sticking out of its hideout! ha ha ha. To me, A garden is a conversation.
If you like this post and want to find out more about the Kit for Uptight White People
View it here:
http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
Purchase it here for $7.95 plus postage (note it is printed in full colour, it just previews in B & W!)
http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/2597718
