Posts tagged ethnography
This Article Pertains to Item 7 the List of Excuses
Silly excuses that remain unchallenged by us “white people”
Further thoughts on Excuses. Some excuses we make are pretty lame really, and just don’t hold up. Are we fibbing to ourselves, or is it just about saving face? Either way, in the long run excuses help no one least of all ourselves and need to be challenged. People will not like this, which can make the challenge of the challenge well - a challenge! :)
We were up at the shop yesterday, and bumped into Amanda. The poor lady was in tears. Who is Amanda? Amanda is a lady that I bump into regularly on my daily walks. She lives alone with her dog Reuben (another miniature schnauzer hence the connection) up near the Coburg Lake. She is a walking train wreck and it really upsets me to see someone suffering like that.
Amanda is in her late fifties. Life has taken its toll on her. She has had a succession of boyfriends who have abandoned her, plus an abusive father. This constant desertion and abuse has undermined her self esteem, so that she lacks confidence. Despite all of this, she is an incredibly likeable person because she is funny, and artistic (she has made some beautiful prints). She was and continues to be very popular with the boys, but now she attracts some rather seedy looking men. I wish they would just go away and leave her alone, but she needs some love. We all need love and you can’t blame her.
Anyway, as I said, she was in tears and really distressed, because she has to look after her mother who is obese and elderly. She was upset because she was let down by her sister regarding this care. Her roof is leaking when we have had just so much tropical rain and she has no money to fix it. She cannot survive on the pension it doesn’t cover her costs. And because she is an emotional wreck, she cannot hold down a basic job. She was up at the shop to spend money she doesn’t have on cigarettes via credit card.
When you try to help her, it doesn’t really seem to do much good. She doesn’t seem to be able to listen, only to talk about all of her problems. And talk and talk.
Really sad when you are a kind person and don’t want to just abandon someone who is in so much distress.
She is one of many women I encounter who are desperately lonely, and have no familial support. Down so low they cannot lift themselves up and out of their morass and if you reach in to help, they pull you down there too when you can’t cope. On top of it they seem to take Alcohol and its effects make them even more depressed.
My friend Suki is Punjabi. He says that in traditional societies, such as that of his ancestors, situations like this do not take place because the family MUST look after one another. When familial disputes arise they are taken to a village elder, who settles them. The elder knows how to do this because the elder is old and wise. Families must help one another and support one another, as that is the rule. Hate your family, or love them, it is not until you reach times of desperation that you understand the value of the support they provide, to protect you from the world. That is why it is really important to keep them together. Suki looks after his incredibly demanding 81 year old mother without ever feeling sorry for himself. And he does this while coping with the high pressure deadlines and demands of his profession working as a software architect/project manager for a major bank. He comes home an cooks for his mother, and helps her into the shower and bathroom. Waiting on her hand and foot. He would never dream of putting her in a home. As a white person, I and most of my friends struggle with this relationship of duty. But Suki is so “within himself”. Meaning that he never feels the need to blame other people for how he is feeling. His love makes him feel secure and connected. Unlike Amanda.
And what does this have to do with the List of Excuses?
Well, I wanted to add a new excuse to the list, which was provided by my sister the other day. This one is “no internet access” You see four weeks ago my niece headed off to Paris for a one year work and learn the language jaunt. I sent her what I believed to be a supportive email before she left. I spoke to her on the phone. Then I put nice message on her FB wall about a week later. Of course she was settling in, I didn’t expect anything much, although a FB thumb’s up would have been polite. Then I posted a list of sites that teach French. Nothing. Ok, I guess if Internet access is scant such is life. Then a few days ago, to my chagrin, I looked on her site, and she had sent many FB messages to her friends but to her aunt? Sweet nada.
My sister was unhappy with the dissatisfaction I expressed. “She has no Internet access was the angry excuse” To me the reality is that her priority is not familial but it should be. I have tried to maintain the family bond, but my family are so frosty, and unsupportive (for people like these the Kit came into existence) that they make it very hard to maintain connection. Suki says, “Why cry over something that was never alive”. But I do cry, because they are family, and we should be connected. I cry because without the connection a vulnerable and sensitive young woman can too easily end up becoming like Amanda who alone and unsupported are wretchedly miserable and unable to help themselves they turn to alcohol. The only people that seem to profit from this in our society for the white and uptight are the counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists.
I think that my expectation of my sister to remind my niece of her duties probably seems unfathomable to both my sister and niece. But then, like me at age 22, they have had little to do with the Amandas of the world.
Article 7 is from the What the Hell Is Your Problem Kit, A Kit for Uptight White People.
You can see the Kit here: http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
read more here
http://veronicagrow.tumblr.com/post/12025183398/did-you-know-from-numerous-migrant
You can Purchase it at Readings, Metropolis, Brunswick St Books, or Brunswick Bound
Be connected strong and happy.. banish the list of excuses in 2012
Well my dear readers, at this time of the year, everyone is busy making lists. Lists of what they did last year, and lists of what they hope for etc etc.
If there is one big thing on my list for 2012 and yours too I hope) It is to banish forever that list of excuses that makes us such anti social beings.
Today I am going to share with you item 7 from my Kit for Uptight White People. Item 7 is “the list of Excuses”. The Kit is my final masters Project in X Disciplinary Design at COFA UNSW, and I devised the concept, wrote, designed and illustrated the book.
The underpinning reasoning behind this kit comes from the anecdotes collected from the many migrants that I know, that all seem to have a recurring theme. This is that us anglos are often perceived as being unfriendly, uptight, and difficult.
Here is the related anecdote:
My Italian friends the Racioppis have the same issues as all of us, yet like most migrant households, they never make excuses. If they are stressed, they come together anyway, which often helps them to relieve their stress. Sometimes, in fact often, they argue and fight, but that clears the air, and avoids the bottling up of harmful stress. Unlike us white people, they don’t hold onto their anger and grudges, all of which are quickly forgiven. They don’t seem to feel uncomfortable with confrontation.
And here is a specially devised experiment to help you develop better more inclusive habits! Why not give it a try?
To those Prone to Listmaking
The pick up the phone experiment.
Think of someone with whom you have not made contact for at least twelve months. No matter what the reason. Maybe you fell out, maybe you have been busy. But overall it was a valuable relationship. Relationships can change over time if they are nurtured properly, So pick up the phone, and say “Hello, it’s me calling, how is life? I am sorry I have been off the radar.” If it helps, give yourself some ice to slide out on, and make an excuse that you have been busy. It takes two to tango, and through becoming the “hero”, you are being a hero. You are helping to create social capital. which makes people feel connected, strong and happy.
If you like this idea, you can see the rest of the kit online at
http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
Or you can purchase it here in Melbourne at Metropolis Books, Brunswick Bound, or Brunswick Street Books.
Or online at Blurb : http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/2597718
Or email me! I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR (ITALIAN STYLE PLEASE!)
Well its that time of the year again.. New Year’s Eve. And seeing as I am continuing to extrapolate on the themes covered in my book: “The Kit for Uptight white People”, New Year’s Eve and its associated celebrations is the perfect correlation to our current theme. Item Number 6. The Bottle of Social Lubricant. If you have missed this riveting piece of ethnography, you can read it here:
http://veronicagrow.tumblr.com/post/14969933884/kit-for-uptight-white-people-artificat-6
Now if you are reading this post in Italy or Aman, or Muscat you may still have no idea what the link between NYE and social lubricant is. So I will put it plainly for you. We are definitely not heading into the city tonight to see the fireworks, because we know that there will be drunkards everywhere. Loud ugly ones. This is very Australian you see. We are heading out to dinner at St Katherines, a lovely dining establishment in “white person” territory Kew here in Melbourne. I know that the restaurant will be full of ugly loud pink skinned people who just have to YELL loudly and laugh really loudly, because they are all drunk. Everyone here in Melbourne thinks this normal. But not I. Why you ask?
Italians have taught me this valuable lesson. The best New Year’s Eves I have ever had have been with Italians and have not required the ritual drinking of alcohol to commence at 3 in the afternoon on NYE. In fact, they have involved very little Alcohol at all just a nice brindisi at midnight, and some wine with our long long meal that goes on forever. They have though, involved a lot of that other thing that Italians seem to be very good at: Conversation. Good conversation, not banal conversation about celebrities and fashion but conversations about politics, the state of the world, history, and also with a few nice healthy arguments thrown in. They have also involved comedy, because Italian people that I have known all know how to laugh. In fact these conversations have been so good, that we have sat there and heard the blackbirds starting up at Dawn, and watched the sunrise. They have also involved lots and lots of food preparation of delicious seasonal ingredients (always fresh tomato salad with basil, and strawberries as it is summer here in Australia), and eating. I have to say that the Italian gatherings always seem to have a lot more life, whereas the anglo gatherings either involve everyone sitting around politely and they are terribly sober as no one is smiling, or else they are alcohol fuelled, often with nasty arguments and abuse being hurled! Even worse, though are the dry affairs of my many young environmental and green friends who seem to divide themselves into small impenetrable groups, then ignore one another. So due to this disconnect, the gathering resembles a railway station rather than a gathering. While they are very civilized, there is no life, no juice, no mojo to these gatherings! (I think because most of the attendees tend to take themselves and the saving of the planet rather seriously).
So where are these photos taken? They were taken in Verona in 08/09. It was a sparkling evening. The other evening was way back in 96/97which I shared with a group of Italian exchange teachers here in Melbourne. Thankyou to my Italian friends for teaching me to get over some of my rather uptight and sometimes destructive socially inept ways!
If you like this story, you can view my kit here: http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
You can also purchase a copy in Melbourne at
Brunswick Bound
Metropolis Books
Brunswick Street Bookstore
Or online at Blurb:
KIT FOR UPTIGHT WHITE PEOPLE
ARTIFICAT # 6 - SOCIAL LURBRICANT
Upon coming to Australia in 2000 after attending a few work functions, Slava, a Moldovan friend, was shocked to discover how much alcohol Australians drink in social situations. “I don’t understand why they take wine, beer, and champagne, never with food!” he would say in his wonderful eastern european accent. He was also quick tonote the behavioural change in his workmates after they had taken a few drinks. Normally quiet and shy personalities became oddly friendly, affectionate and talkative. Then on Monday, the usual coldness and unfriendliness would return. This hot and cold behaviour was most unsettling to Slava.
what to do about it?
For those who are Socially Uptight
The Daggy music experiment.
Go to I-tunes, or a music store. Buy some yodelling music. Now, play it as loudly as possible, singing along with great gusto and attempting to dance. (This part is best done in company). Try to do this as badly as you can. How do you feel? After five minutes, you will start to feel every care and worry in the world escape you. With this sense of lightness will come a greater sense of confidence, and perspective. You will find that you care less about social rejection. “It’s obvious that the mirth filled man, the cheerful soul, the childish adult is the one who has least to fear from life.” Tom Hodgkinson The Freedom Manifesto.
This is object number 6 of 9 from the book I wrote called “The What the Hell Is Your Problem?” Kit. A Kit For Uptight White People. The Kit was my final masters project in Cross Disciplinary Design at COFA UNSW.
You can view it here: http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
If you live in Melbourne, it is stocked at Metropolis Books, Brunswick Bound and Brunswick Street Books for $16.
You can also purchase it here on Blurb http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/2597718
or email me.
Why do you think we seem to need alcohol to help us to be more open friendly and inclusive?
WHAT A SILLY “WHITE MAN” CONSTRUCT IS XMAS
It all started this morning when I went to say good morning to my poor neighbour as she got out of her car. She looked like death on legs. Exhausted, worried, under pressure. I commented on the other neighbour’s beautiful hand made decorations in the window. “I don’t know how she finds the time” was the reply. It struck me that she was so overwrought that she had lost the simple ability to just enjoy something simple and pleasurable. The moment became even more surreal, when her husband started tapping manically on the window for her to “HURRY UP”.
Because I don’t have the demands of children and family I am always made to feel quite guilty at this time of the year for having the time to think and contemplate, and heaven forbid to actually have some time!
Then in contrast, I heard a sensible thing this morning on the Radio which was Noni Hazlehurst saying that they don’t buy each other anything for Xmas, they don’t buy into the whole Western consumerist thing of buying everyone lots of stuff that they don’t need when they already have SOOOO much stuff. The presenter seemed to find it incredulous that she was not running around in a frenzied chook mode
And on this note too, if I see one more list of suggestions of what to buy people for xmas, I think I will scream. Is it REALLY that hard to think what to buy one another in that you need a suggestion? I you so devoid of imagination?
It’s all just so silly really. I mean when I worked in Kuwait, you never saw such madness during Ramadan and Eid! Ho Ho Ho!
If you think this perspective on “white man” is interesting, you can read more of my work here:
The What the Hell is your problem Kit a Kit for uptight white people. http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
the kit is available at Readings, Metropolis Books, and Brunswick Bound.
HEY DUDE YOU ARE SO COOOOLLL (and boring actually).
It’s so nice to feel part of the “In Crowd” isn’t it. Loved as you make your way up the corporate ladder into positions of power. Because you never upset anyone or speak your mind (that is why you are actually no great mover or shaker) It’s the New Black. So what Constitutes this in our White Society?
The other day I was having lunch with a good colleague/friend of mine who you may remember me mentioning before because she is quite clever. She has a great eye, and is what some would refer to as a Maven. She is also a fifty something design lecturer. One of those ones who know how to fix things, and actuallyhelps you instead of sneering at you in one word monosyllables never giving too much away. She was telling me how her department has just employed a young guy who is about 30, wears black, and square glasses with short hair, and is very self contained, and knows a lot about technology but not more. She was telling me how the boss of her department, also a fifty something woman, and the other power broker woman in her department love him, and he has now been hired permanently and given much better conditions than she was when she started. This made me think back to my time working in a well known university, when my head of department also loved all of the boys who were in their twenties and thirties, and lauded them with so much privilege along with the thirty ish Japanese London educated lecturer who used to sneer at me. It seems that to be a woman and over 40 in my profession unless you are Ellen Lupton or Marian Bantjes and have worked like a slave to produce a huge volume of amazing work that is undeniably good, you will be considered wholly uncool, while meanwhile, some pretty ordinary male specimens who have the whole cool attitude thing going and nothing more, will be considered more cool than school. You need to develop a tough skin, but it hurts. My niece and nephew are another great example of this stupid white person affliction. Both in their early twenties. She has over 700 facebook friends, and he 958. Their relationship with me is very low priority probably because they too see female and thirty plus as irrelevant. They both seem desperate to fit in. People say that it is their age but I beg to differ it’s a mindset.
It seems that in our western society the ultimate status symbols are to be young, male and funny, young and female and pretty and a bit airheaded. And, ah yes, to be cool It’s a bit sad the way people cultivate this attitude of cool so desperate to fit in because they are denying their true identity. It’s a sham.
You are cool if you do not wear your heart on your sleeve, if you do not express your true feelings, in other words if you lie about who and what you really are, incase someone sees it and uses it to have power over you. Are we really so insecure. I little white boy I know who is only 5 was doing the cool thing with me yesterday! So it has to be innate I thought. Poor little chap how tiring keeping up that pretence. I said something to him, and he said, “I don’t care”. Then I told him the rhyme about don’t care was made to care don’t care was hung etc, I am sure you know it. “That’s silly!” he said. Now I do remember some cute little Arab boys showing off in Kuwait, but never to an older woman would they have said “I don’t care”, or ‘That’s silly”. They are brought up to have respect, and know they will be given a damning hiding for such behavior. We white people think it is normal. And we think it is normal to worship airheaded stupid youth who know nothing. All of the wisdom, knowledge and experience of older people is dismissed and sneered at by people such as my neice and nephew who are simply not interested. It seems ironic that the baby boomers started this whole notion of “cool” in the fifties, and now so many of them are losing their jobs as companies downsize because they are seen as old and irrelevant and very uncool.
WHY DO WE ALL WANT STATUS?
When I look at the original people -Tony and Lucia Racioppi - who inspired the whole notion of My Kit for Uptight White People, well, they could not give a toss about who is better than whom. They tend to their garden, they make food and wine, they go to mass, and look after the grand kids and that’s that.
Then I look at my poor dissatisfied busy white friends who all seem to be so easily seduced by the status that they think that searching to fulfill their dreams or thinking they have found them brings to them. They think all the striving that they do is for their personal satisfaction, but any astute reader of body language can see that they relish the feelings of importance that comes with arriving into professional positions that they find important.
How do I know? You can see the cream dripping from their lips. For example, the addiction to this thing called status unbeknowingly grabs hold of the best of us. A friend I have known for 16 years has always espoused the noble values of community, and sharing, but since she has “made it” by marrying someone wealthy who helped her to land a job with some status she is has dropped her old friends like hot cakes, far too busy and important to call or visit. This is despite the fact that she lives a few blocks up the road. Too busy you see. Though she would probably deny it, I am sure that she sees her busyness as a status symbol. But what of the value of old good friendships? Do they not matter? She actually looks down her nose on people such as my Punjabi mother in law, who cannot read or write, and speaks no English, for not “doing something with their lives”. What do you think?
This is Object (prompt) Number 5.
The Status Measure from the What The Hell is Your Problem? Kit.
A Kit for Uptight White People
Be honest, some people do measure up better to you than others right? Because they are Cool? Japanese? Have a PHD, Are Young? While you avoid accountants and old women who cause you to cringe.
My Good Italian Friend Gabriella Racioppi once asked me: “No offence, but why are you Anglos so competitive? I asked her what she meant, because I had only every viewed comptetition as being material in nature, meaning bigger houses, higher earning job and so on. “Whenever I am with Anglosit almost seems as if there is a competition over who is the most funny, the most clever, and sometimes it’s just too much!”
you can see the whole kit here: http://issuu.com/veronicagrow/docs/kitforuptightwhitepeople
purchase online here: http://www.blurb.com/books/2597718
or in person at
Metropolis Bookstore
Brunswick Bound Books
Brunswick St Bookstore
PHOTO SHOOT FOR PRESS RELEASE
What do you think of my official photoshoot photos for the Kit for Uptight White People. Now Proudly stocked by Metropolis Books, Brunswick Bound, and Brunswick Street Bookstore. (see links below) for $16 a copy.
To be honest with you, its always stressful peddling your creations. You should be proud that you have come so far, and done something that is actually pretty good. Its up there. But no, that feeling of humility never does leave and you always feel slightly ridiculous. But you have to push on. Yesterday was an exhausting.. I bundled up my books in a bag, and drove around to six places with my books. One shop was closed, and another shop (Heidelberg Gallery, known for being very stuffy and difficult to deal with on many recounts) of course were too busy to see me. Another major bookseller Reading’s buyer Daniel was so busy, but still made a bit of time, and said he loved it but was so drowning in books to put out on the shelves, that it would get lost in his pile. Could I please return in the New Year. So that’s great.
The owner/buyer at Metropolis books http://www.metropolisbookshop.com.au/ is called Molly, and she is a lovely lady with a soft kind gentle face. One of those rare people who takes the time to listen carefully. I am really stoked that the Kit is in this shop, as it is the most beautiful bookshop ever. Full of really interesting titles.
Brunswick Bound http://www.brunswickbound.com.au/is a pretty awesome shop too, as is Brunswick Books: http://www.brunswickstreetbookstore.com/. If you ever come to Melbourne, I would say these 3 shops plus Readings and Perimeter Books are the ones to visit!
So I should be pleased really.
Then I emailed our famous blog here in Melbourne with the above photos included, and others that you are probably all familiar with. I posted a hard copy off to a magazine you might have heard of called Frankie.. will I hear back from them.. ? tick tick tick tick goes the minutes, days…… I hate this. But you have to do it.
If you would like to read the kit you can do so here:
DO YOU DESERVE A MEDALLION?
Do you remember last week’s kit theme, the strand of conversation? Which led me to think about medallions for “white conversational legends”?
I spent yesterday making them. Then, as if that was not enough, I saw some beautiful medallions done in brown paper (on the web I should site the reference I know I am bad but I need to go eat dinner).
So I went ahead and made this huge brown one. I shouldn’t let myself go off on these tangents of fancy, but then isn’t that what being creative is all about. I will give the smaller ones away as promotional items to strategic broadcasters of the kit!
If you haven’ checked out the kit project yet, you should! :
WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM KIT, A KIT FOR UPTIGHT WHITE PEOPLE
If you are interested in finding out more, have a look at the book I wrote. This was my final masters project in cross disciplinary design at UNSW
THE WARM AND WELCOMING GESTURE
Some people make you feel welcome, others not so. Some of us seem so independent that we couldn’t care less. What do you think? I am not ashamed to say that to me, it is really important to make others feel welcome. That is why I included a welcome mat in the “KIT FOR UPTIGHT WHITE PEOPLE”.
For me, to make someone feel unwelcome is rude, and cold. It demonstrates your lack of care or interest in having some sort of meaningful relationship with them, and in that, your disregard for what it essentially is to be a human. Many people I know from other cultures note that it is really anglo/australian thing to do. It rarely happens in other cultures.
The photo that I have included with this post is taken when I worked in Kuwait, and we were guests of some bedouns (stateless people with no citizenship papers) who lived on the outskirts of Kuwait. They were not rich, but they knew how to make us feel welcome. One of the customs of all Arabs, whether stateless or not, mega wealthy, or poor, is to make guests feel welcome by way of “hospitality”. I have noted that this custom extends right through to other southern Mediterranean cultures too. The Italians I have known call it “ospiti”. Literally meaning to you I give hospitality.
The Italians and Arabs, and northern Indian people I know complain about being force-fed. Mangia, or “eat” you are instructed. If you don’t, they ask “perche tu non mangia?” Or “why aren’t you eating Veronica?” As an Anglo, it seems rude at first to say no. So you leave feeling really overfed. It’s considered rude to refuse, but my friend Jasmine taught me the trick, in obliging the welcoming signals of your host. You have to say, yes, then take the food, and eat it slowly. Leaving half of the food uneaten on your plate is seen as being better than refusing in the first place! (I know that this might make you feel uncomfortable if you are “Anglo”, but you do get used to it, trust me)
So guests are made to feel welcome by always offering something to eat, or drink. Anything at all. Even my Indian mechanic in Kuwait gave me a can of cold coca cola. I like this.
I cannot tell you how many Anglo households I have been in whereby I have been outright ignored, as though I was not there. The classic example was my brother in law in the nineteen eighties, who would watch the cricket, and drink beer in front of us when we visited, totally ignoring us as if we were invisible! This is pretty normal for us Anglos I am ashamed to say.
Last time when I was in the Middle East I visited an ex student in Oman, and noted that the family house had a special room for receiving visitors. Her father (even though he was honestly not particularly interested in my visit) made the effort to come into the room and make 15 minutes of conversation with me. I was made to feel welcome.
Welcoming people makes for social cohesiveness.
Some people have welcoming faces. My neighbor Lucia, has a very open friendly face, and most people always find themselves talking to her. Sometimes I wonder whether it is the same for me, as so many people approach me in the street and ask me questions, probably because I have a welcoming face. Sometimes I wonder whether a face can be too welcoming, when my neighbor Betty tells me some shocking stories about her life and family, that she shouldn’t. (Too much information goes the adage).
WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM KIT, A KIT FOR UPTIGHT WHITE PEOPLE
If you are interested in finding out more, have a look at the book I wrote. This was my final masters project in cross disciplinary design at UNSW
